6.03.2012

Being a mom...

Not long after having Max, I had this interesting dream.  I dreamed that I was with an old friend from my single years.  We were going somewhere & I went to my closet to get something to wear.  When I opened up my closet I found it filled with baby clothes.  And I thought to myself, 'Oh, I have nothing to wear.  My kids have spit up & wiped boogies, etc., on all of my clothes.'  When I woke up, I felt like the dream had meaning & I pondered on it.

When I had one child, yeah, I lost some of my freedom, but I was still able to pursue a lot of my passions & hobbies.  For example- I took up photography & started my own photography business.  But suddenly things have seemed to change with two kids.  I think my dream was hinting at that.  Freedom I had once enjoyed as a single person seemed to now be completely gone.  Motherhood seemed to be a lot more "full-time".

Now fast forward to this past week- 
This past week we've been getting a fence in...we've been expanding our closet (it was dinky!)...and I've been performing surgery on my blogs (which I might add are still far from being done on both!).  I used to gauge the craziness of my life by the condition of my car & room (single years).  Now that I'm married with kids I've expanded this to include the condition of my house (the car is a hopeless cause) and the state of my children.

I have to admit that this past week wasn't my finest.  I was on the computer a lot.  I'm fascinated by coding & web design- but man, sometimes it seems like a foreign language & that language takes time to learn!  Anyways...Liam threw some award winning tantrums...aanndd please also note his significant lack of clothing in the below pictures.  Our house seemed to be in a perpetual state of disorder.  I usually try to do at least the minimal with primping- foundation, mascara & hair), but no, not even that some days.  And Max, he spent a lot of time on my lap bouncing as I sat at the computer.  I justified it all in the name of construction (fence, closet, website).

Towards the end of this week I was beginning to be more honest with myself.  I even prayed for help and understanding.  And I know the Lord has answered those prayers.  I'm grateful for all the woman that I have been able to talk to this weekend that have felt or feel this struggle to find balance with motherhood.  Their commitment to be good mothers has strengthened my resolve.  I know I could continue on with these justifications this coming week.  Fence, closet, & website are still not done.  But this coming week I'm going to do better.

This mom stuff is hard sometimes.  In some ways, it helps me understand consecration better.  I'm not saying I'm going to forsake my hobbies...but I'm going to do better at putting first things first.  And I'm going to start this week.  (btw- I'm also going to try to do better at getting to bed earlier!...Oh so tempting to sacrifice sleep to get time to do my own thing- like blogging-  while everyone is sleeping.  Sigh.)     

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Oh, & some pictures of my old blogs' look.  Thought it'd be fun to have.

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